Shadows of the past
by Owlmemaybe
Summary: Haibara has to stay at Ran's for a few nights. When Ran is awaken by the girl's nightmares, she decides to ask her about them. She never expected the painful discussion that ensues.


**Shadows of the past**

** N/A : **This OS is the translation of a french OS I wrote in a challenge. I liked it, so I decided to share it with more people. Enjoy !

** Disclaimer :** The characters belong to Gosho Aoyama.

Professor Agasa was invited to a cogress to present one of his new invention. When Ran learned that he intended to leave Haibara Ai alone for nearly three days, stating that she was ''more than able to handle herself'', she was outraged. She immediately insisted to take care of the young girl until his return.

And that is how Haibara found herself forced to act as the grateful little girl towards Kogoro Mouri and his daughter.

o0oOo0o

In the middle of the night, Ran was woken up by a noise. Siiting up in her bed and looking towards the campbed set up for Ai, she realized that it was in fact the trashing and moaning of the little girl that had awaken her. Obviously, she was having a nightmare.

While Ran was still wondering whether or not she should wake her, Haibara solved her dilemna by awaking suddenly with a gasp :

''No ! Akemi !'' she screamed.

Then , realizing it had been a nightmare, she curled up on herself. Ran also noticed her tightening her hold on the pendant she wore around her neck. She got up from her bed and kneeled near the girl :

''Your nightmare woke me. Maybe you want to talk about it before going back to sleep ? I don't mind.''

''Thanks, but not really. I'm sorry I woke you. I did tell you that it was a bad idea for me to sleep in your room, Ran-san'' Ai answered while wrapping her other hand around the pendant.

''Why ? I mean, how did you know ? Do you have these nightmares often ?'' Ran asked, surprised.

''Regularly enough'' was all Ai answered before laying back down. She clearly had no wish to continue the current conversation.

Tired, Ran climbed back up in her own bed. She would not interrogate the child after her nightmare, but she no intention of letting the matter rests either.

o0oOo0o

The next night, despite Ai's begging, Ran insisted for the girl to sleep in her room again. She argued that the Detective agency was not big enough for any other arrangements anyway. Even if her father and Conan were currently visiting at Hattori's in Osaka.

As Ran expected – and feared – she was again awaken by Ai's trashing because of another nightmare.

The young girl acted exactly as she had the night before. She half-mumbled, half-sceamed the name Akemi, phrases like ''Please,don't do that'', before waking and sitting up suddenly. Again, her hands were holding tight onto her pendant. And like the previous night, Ran came to kneel beside the panting girl.

''Are you sure it wouldn't help you to talk about it ? How long have you been having such nightmares every night ?''

''I'd rather not talk about it. And I've already told my past to Conan and Akase. So I doubt talking about it helps.''

''Your past ? Is it because of whatever happened back then that you now live with the Professor ? Where are your parents ?'' Ran asked, surprised by the girl's answer.

''To answer all your questions : yes, yes and my parents are dead.''

''Oh, I... I'm sorry. I always assumed you stayed at Agasa's in much the same way Conan needs to stay with us for a while. I did not mean to hurt you and re-open old wounds.'' Ran said, contrtite.

''You couldn't have known. I don't exactly brag about it. And don't worry about 're-opening old wounds'. My parents died when I was a baby, I never knew them.'' Ai explained.

''A baby ? But then, who took care of you before you came to live with the Professor ?'' Thinking back on Ai's moaning before she woke up, Ran asked : ''Was it Akemi ?''

''How do you know about Akemi ?'' the girl almost cried.

Her tone of voice surprised Ran. It was a strange mix of sadness, pain, anger but also of fear. The same fear she had noticed in those same eyes on other occasions. Like when they were testing games at Akase's and Ran had announced that she needed to go home. When Haibara had begged her to stay, she had seen a strange and deep fear in her eyes. She had stayed, but she had never understood where the fear had come from.

''You said this name just befor you woke up earlier. In fact, you said it yesterday too. Who is it ?'' Ran asked in a soothing voice.

''I see. Of course. Well, you're right. It was Akemi, my sister, who used to take care of me. She was several years older.''

''You said 'was'. And she is no longer taking care of you. Does that mean that she is... ?''

Ran did not finish her sentence. Somehow, she was unable to actually formulate such a horrible and unfair event. A little girl, already an orphan with no recollection from her parents, losing her ister and last family, and then coming to live among strangers unaware of her painful past. It was no wonder that she had acted so coldly towards a young woman who treated her like a child and encouraged her to think of her as a sister. Ran went on before Ai had the time to answer:

''I'm so sorry. I got quite used to acting as a neechan with Conan and his friends. But for you, my behaviour must have been painful.''

Haibara remained silent for a few moments, before answering slowly, taking her time in formulating her sentences.

''I will not deny that it was. I felt as if you were trying to replace her, usurp her rightful place. Which was stupid since you did not even know she existed. But feelings are not rationnal. And it did not help that you are so much like her. Somewhat physically, but mostly, in fact, by your behaviour. Akemi simply wanted me to live and be happy. Free. You have the same will to protect.''

''What happened to her ?'' Ran asked, wondering what could have killed a woman so young.

''She died. Because of me. Because she wanted to save me.''

''Save you... from what ?''

''From the shadows. I won't tell you anymore. I have already told you too much as it is.'' Ai declared while turning her back to the young woman.

''I suppose these shadows have something to do with the so-called kidnapping, when that crazy woman asked me to let you go o she could shoot you ?'' Ran urged, eager to finally hear the truth about that strange evening.

After the case, all the adults present had pretended that it had been a simple kidnapping which had almost gone from bad to worse. But Ran had heard enough to know that this particular version was untrue. The crazy woman had never even hinted at a ransom, and her ole purpose had clearly been to kill Haibara Ai. And said young girl had made no attempt to flee or defend herself. Quite the opposite, in fact.

''Why were you ready to die that evening ? You said your sister wanted you to be alive and happy. Shouldn't you be trying to live, then ?'' Ran continued, praying the girl would turn back around and talk to her.

She did. Looking her right in the eyes and her gaze never faltering :

''I was ready to die. I was ready to die because my sister died because of me, when she finally had a happy and full life within her reach. Because I'm tired of living permanently in fear. Fear of being found. Of seeing my friends suffering. Of being forced to hurt innocents and others I do not know. So, yes, I was ready to die. And I still am. When the time comes, I'll die. Without hesitation. Even if I have to pull the trigger myself.''

''What is it ? What is this... this horror that killed your sister and terrifies you so much ? Why don't you ask the police for help ?'' Ran asked, pale.

''This horror, as you call it, already has powerful and clever ennemies. And I actually have some hope of seeing it finally destroyed. Perhaps I will even survive it. But in the end, it does not really matter.''

''It does not matter ? You are talking about your own life !'' Ran exclaimed.

''What life ? I have no family, nothing from my past except this pendant my sister gifted me. No keepsakes. No, even if I do survive, I have already lost that life.''

Ai was not dejected as Ran would have expect. Merely resigned and accepting. Almost indifferent. The young woman did not know which was worst.

''You have friend. You could build a new life for yourself.'' She tried to assure the girl. But she had already realized that there was little hope of convincing her right now.

''It's true. But _can_ I, really ? Would I be able to manage that ?'' Ai asked, her gaze fixed on the ceiling.

At that stage, Ran was unsure of whether the little girl – which had obviously been through too much to be considered a little girl – was talking to the young woman or to herself. So she just listened, her own feelings ranging from sadness to pity and horror.

''I've lived among the shadows my whole life. After my sister's death, I was able to escape physically. But they still haunt my dreams, my nightmares, my hopes... When one has only knows the shadows, the light is blinding. It hurts you instead of soothing you.''

Ai turned back towards Ran:

''I understand that it is in your nature to want to help me. Please don't. You, who are lucky to be able to contemplate and live within the light, do not try and come close to the shadows of my past. I refuse to see them take one more person away from me.''


End file.
